July 18, 2010. Read profoundly talented comment from Dane in Australia at end of piece.

Coca Cola is guilty of premature ejaculation.

Like a guy who can’t keep it up for long, Coke promises a big happy fantasy, tantalizes you with visions of joyful nirvana but loses it, just when you’re reaching peak pleasure. It’s a guy thing.

via Flickr’s isayx3Knowing that America is the fattest country in the world; and knowing how obesity affects not only self-esteem but our sexuality; and knowing also how worthless is the sugar in Coke, Pepsi and other sugar- rich drinks, I said just now “God bless you, Coke. Reducing the size of your can will NOT make Americans happy.”

This pink message from Coke was in my email box, an early morning, sensual seduction from an American icon. It got me thinking.

Consider the guy who promises you the world, sexually-speaking, but never delivers the goods when you’re just ready to achieve sexual bliss. Coke is like that guy.

Technically speaking, the sugar rush in Coke will elevate my dopamine production, stimulating the pleasure centers of my brain.

If all I want is a “quickie” rush of pleasure, Coke will deliver — but not the full monty.

My Coke orgasm will be short-lived.

In the midst of my sugar “high” the caffeine is also working to dilate my pupils and cause my blood pressure to rise. I’m not calm and relaxed. I’m revved up with Coke, waiting for the big O from the white powder guy.

It’s a well-established fact that women need to go much longer to receive orgasmic bliss. Coke says “hurry, baby”.

Besides the fact that Coke piles on the pounds in a culture that demands size O thinness from its women, Coke lets me down hard, as I ride his waves of addictive pleasure.

That little red Coke can is a one-trick pony, pretty-boy seducer with no staying power.

Coke loses it at the worst moment possible. Just as I’m trusting him to deliver the moment, Coke takes me down. I crash not in happiness, but in dissatisfaction and guilt. I am resentful and bitchy in my sugar low, feeling like a failure that I didn’t get off sooner.

Because I thought we were building a relationship, I took my time, wallowing in sweetness, working my way towards the big payoff.

Now I’m feeling low and rejected. Spent, unloved and fat.

In one can of Coke, I’ve consumed 100% of my daily recommended intake of sugar from all foods. Yet the red can stares me in the face saying “Drink me again, baby.” If you want to get to the promised land, you gotta drink another can. This time I promise you will be fulfilled, cuz I’m going all the way this time: total commitment.

At my age, not only do I know the drill, but I know better. I choose my Love Potions very carefully, and Coke never touches my gorgeous, deliciously sensual lips — or hips.

Dream on, dear Coca-Cola. A Smart Sensuality woman knows what’s good for her — and it’s not sugar.

My morning irritation with Coke caused me to Google “obesity + Coke” for some scientific information.

Man Drinking Fat. NYC Health Anti-Soda Ad. Are You Pouring on the Pounds?

Welcome to the Wild West of Internet marketing. Coke got in my face by promising me happiness in my email inbox.

Instead, Coke annoyed me, making me one of half a million folks to already see the recently-posted “Coke makes you fat” YouTube video, launched days ago by the city of New York. I’ve become an anti-Coke ambassador today, and mine is a highly-trafficked website.

Instead of drinking Coke, I highly recommend a truly devoted human lover, masturbation, or getting out and doing charity work for others. All three exercises will give you a joy that sugar-sweet Coke never will deliver: lasting joy rather than empty promises. Enough said. Anne

More reading: Sugar - The (other) Addictive White Powder

What Happens To Your Body If You Drink A Coke Right Now? Blisstree