Any man with an ounce of active brain matter knows that he should not answer every woman’s trick question: does my butt look big in this dress?

The makers of Wonderbum dresses have responded to a survey of 18,000 women, 85 percent of them unhappy with their bottoms.

There is no good answer to this suicide mission question.

If a man says “well, honey, perhaps … ” there will be a wall of silence in bed for weeks. Three years later, the nicest guy may still be hearing the words “you told me I have a fat butt.”

If a man says “honey, your butt looks great”, he will be accused of lying and his butt-loathing babe will be mad at him anyway.

The best strategy about answering that big-butt question lies in an emergency need to pee.

Dr David Holmes, an expert in derrieres, has found that modern diets and lifestyle, including exercise and lack of it, have transformed women’s butts into juicy fruits and one starchy vegetable. Teaming up with British retailer ASDA, Dr Holmes has developed a collection of Wonderbum dresses that celebrate every shape to its maximum beauty.

In a collection close to being an ode to healthy, juicy eating the Wonderbum celebrates woman derrieres as a tomato, pear, nectarine and — alas — a potato. I’m sorry but I don’t like being a potato, which isn’t sexy, unless you imagine yourself as a plate of French fries in a Left Bank cafe.

Dr Holmes explains that while some butts have actually become more gorgeous in the 21st century, most are lacking in desires shape, bounce, firmness and symmetry. A lop-sided bottom is enough to make an alcoholic out of the most disciplined woman.

Over a decade ago, I proposed this idea as a sexy campaign for lingerie client, except for the potato part. Wonderbum’s different fruits and one vegetable bottom break down this way among British women:

The Tomato

Proportion of women: 45 per cent. Plump, round and squishy to the touch, the tomato is fast becoming the norm. It sits best in a tight structured dress which has a firming effect.

The Potato

Proportion of women: 30 per cent. The second most common shape, this wide bottom is probably the least fortunate; lumpy in parts, it needs careful dressing and attention. A tulip-shaped shift hides a multitude of sins and will slim and elongate a wide behind.

The Pear

Proportion of women: 15 per cent. Narrower at the top and almost twice the size at the fullest part, this is trickiest to buy for and the best tactic is a distraction. A long maxi dress detracts from the lower region and a halter neckline accentuating the shoulders balances out the bottom.

The Nectarine

Proportion of women: 10 per cent. Full and round and pert in appearance. It stands out naturally and looks great in a tight dress.

Personally, I wouldn’t write ad copy telling the potato lady that her Wonderbum dress hides “a multitude of sins”. It’s bad enough that the Vatican and organized religion hammers women about our sinful natures, and now the dressmaker is getting moralistic with us.

Nevertheless, I’m inspired by this Juicy Fruits idea, and will rewrite the campaign for readers in AnneSpeak. Fruit should seduce and bag the potatoes.

On a side note, I hate to bring the ever-presentin Anne-writing French women into the discussion, but it’s just a fact that French women — who spend as much as 25% of their fashion budget on lingerie — don’t care about being bombshells. Explosives are an American idea.

In France, butt worship is a national subject of cultural investigation. I promise you that in France, where aging women are worshipped, no man would call her a potato. Anne

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