Sexy on HIS Terms| A New Focus on Men's Sexual Needs

Photo: Sexyfutures/Shutterstock 

If the box office returns on “Sex and the City 2” are underwhelming in the summer of 2010, it doesn’t mean that American women are investing new time in the bedroom. 

In post “Sex and the City” America, media types from Oprah to Barbara Walters have focused on women’s sexual pleasure, “her needs” in bed. The message to Mars has been: take a more Venus-centric approach and you will find sexual nirvana. 

The prevailing cultural message remains that men still aren’t getting it right, when it comes to seducing his stressed-out, overworked, exhausted wife. If he would only listen more intently, grab the vacuum, put down the remote and pick up his socks … he would get more sex. 

Coming Next — Really and Truly

In recent years, the dialogue around couples’ sexuality is changing, with a small but growing emphasis on his needs and what she can do for her lover. Guess what? She has responsibilities, too. She may come first; but he comes next.

How to Do Him in bed has been a Cosmo mantra for years, but the magazine continues to take heat for promoting an offensive, outdated message telling women that a man’s sexual pleasure is a high priority.

How refreshing that Fox News Sexpert Dr. Yvonne Kristen Fulbright held women mutually accountable for bedroom pleasure —  in explicit, thought-provoking words. Just yesterday, Anne had a conversation with a guy who said: “Women think showing up in bed is all that’s required. It’s a gift — their offering sex.”

At the risk of telling women what they don’t want to hear, men don’t like this attitude among women — that sex is a big favor. Many women admit to feeling this way — that in their hearts and minds, sex is a gift and men should be happy when women dole it out.

Here’s a summary of Dr. Fulbright’s women’s bedroomchecklist — as relevant today as when written two years ago:

1. Trading in Marilyn for Mommy.

Motherhood should not make you celibate … Happy parents make for happy families.

2. Being unresponsive in the sack.

Most of us don’t like to have sex with a corpse. Don’t just lie there … Move! Make noise. Do anything but play dead! … Be eager to please and to be pleased!

3. Forgetting to stay feminine.

Between major weight gain, bodily functions, and divulging daily care habits, a lot of women fail to remain branded in their men’s brains as sexy… . While he wants you to be the girl-next-door in so many ways, he also wants to eternally see you as his sex goddess.

4. Judging his porn pleasuring.

Unless you’ve been replaced by his passion for pornography, don’t give him a guilt trip for it… Such visuals are meant to keep the relationship riveting. Don’t let them create a rift.

5. Being afraid to talk dirty.

The occasional potty mouth can be a passion-inducer. So don’t be shy! Learn to talk dirty.

6. Being unable to own your body.

Big or small, short or tall, what men find a turn-on more than anything is how a woman carries herself — her confidence.

7. Trash-talking other women.

Sure, you think she looks like a prostitute. But guess what? He does too — and is most likely loving it.

8. Assuming you’ll be monogamous.

You’re not monogamous till you have the talk. Having sex is no guarantee of anything, including reciprocal feelings, love, and a future.

I don’t agree with Dr. Fulbright’s last two points, which are sex tips really.

9. Don’t ignore his nipples.

10. Using too much teeth.

Both points are absolutely individual preferences among men. A good lover makes it her business to know what her guy likes. Any man who enjoys #10 will probably tell you. (Read entire Sexpert article.)

I have no doubt that the majority of American women will have hissy fits over her list, and I’m curious if she will produce a video of her bulls eye thoughts for Cherry TV. Watch Dr. Fulbright’s video Penis 101. 

Fresh Views that Men Will Enjoy

Two books that gave us new peeps into American bedrooms are “He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex” and last year’s “Mating in captivity: Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic”.

Authors Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz estimate that 20 million American men and women are in relationships in which the man has stopped being sexually intimate. Until now, popular culture has broadcast the message that if a relationship is sexless, it’s because the woman has opted out.

20 Million Men Saying “Not Tonight, Dear”

In a survey of 2000 men and another 2000 women, living in man-initiated, sexless relationships, the authors found little agreement between the sexes on the reasons why men stopped having sex. (Note: the respondents were not involved with each other.)

The top three reasons men why men said they stopped:

1) She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me — 68%
2) She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex — 61%
3) I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife — 48%

Women gave these top three reasons why their partners stopped having sex with them:

1) He lost interest and I don’t know why — 66%
2) He is depressed — 57%
3) He is angry at me — 45%

Ironically, “he’s angry” is about the only statement where Mars and Venus agree. 44 percent of men agree that they are angry and it affects their libido. I’m reading several books on this subject, and I sense that growing numbers of men have “had it” with women’s continued goals around relationship.

Remember that men aren’t talkers; they are doers.

Wedding Bells Blues

If Bob and Susan Berkowitz take a more objective, even-handed view of reasons behind sexless marriages, Esther Perel’s book plunges off a cliff.

This is the best book I’ve read on marital passion. Esther Perel explores the reasons why relationships that were once open, vibrant and loving become dull and lifeless.

Perel brings European insights about erotism, love and marriage to her New-York based therapy practice. In no uncertain terms, the maverick psychotherapist puts on the table key facts that men and women — I suggest more often women — don’t want to hear.

Perel’s Mantra

Sexual excitement doesn’t play by the rules. It is politically incorrect. It thrives on power plays and unfair advantages. Perel challenges us to put the “X” back in sex, flinging the doors open on erotic life in America. In all honesty, Perel’s philosophy could undermine the U.S. Constitution. It’s just un-American.

Post Eliot Spitzer, monogamy is in the news again, and Perel takes it on fearlessly:

“Despite a 50 percent divorce rate for first marriages and a 65 percent the second time around; despite the staggering frequency of affairs; despite the fact that monogamy is a ship sinking faster than anyone can bail it out, we continue to cling to the wreckage with absolute faith in its structural soundness.”

Perel doesn’t try to overthrow monogamy as much as she tries to impress on readers the severity of the challenge. In her view, monogamy is not natural. It’s not to be taken for granted, as most Americans do, when vows are exchanged and couples suddenly inherit a long list of “nos and never again”.

Perel on Eroticism

Those Sabotaging Hormones

Not only does Perel see monogamy as a choice and not an automatic condition of marriage, she presents us with a thought-provoking explanation and understanding of just how difficult it is for couples to keep the dopamine flowing in an exclusive relationship.

The cultural anthropologist Helen Fisher cautions us on the challenging reality that the very hormones that bind us — oxytocin and vasopressin — depress lust. It’s a vicious circle and one not to live on autopilot, assuming that relationships will stay hot with little effort.

Role Reversals Veering Off Course

Traditionally, women have more-likely played the role of injecting a hit of dopamine into marriage. Even I thought it was absurd to greet your husband dressed only in saran wrap, but women have historically been the seducers.

Calling myself a lipstick feminist, I never experienced a contradiction between being a mdoern trailblazer and a seductive woman.

Countless females disagree with me, arguing that being the seductress is somehow demeaning and old school. Many younger women enjoy being sex hunters … picking out their guy for the evening and not seducing him, but telling him, in no uncertain terms, to get his butt off the bar stool and come with her. 

Perfect Balance 

I’m not taking sides on this topic, as much as reminding women that probably 70% of the bedroom conversation has been about us in recent decades. It’s been the man’s job to get it right for us. Practice makes perfect.

Today, I sense a more balanced conversation in the offing. Women will push back on this topic, protesting at the thought of having yet one more obligation on their overflowing To Do lists.  Kids, work, housework all come before him in most surveys I’ve read. It’s a rare woman who puts her guy at the head of her priority list, and she expects him to understand the whys.

She’s Getting It — But How About Him

The respected Elle Magazine/MSNBC sexuality poll reminds us that women have made substantial progress in exploring their sexuality and articulating their needs in the bedroom.


Photo: SexyFutures/Shutterstock

The poll also gives a prime example of Mars and Venus being on different sexual planets. For men, one of the greatest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex. However, 45% of the approximately 39,000 women surveyed said they don’t like performing fellatio.

In another Mars/Venus sexual chasm, 38 percent of the women say their men don’t want more sex. When asked in the survey, 66 percent of men answered “more sex please”.

The good news, according to Elle/MSNBC is that women surveyed believe that sex is more fulfilling and enjoyable than ever. One must ask: “are men getting the shorter sexual stick here?”

Do women feel the same responsibility to satisfy their partner that more and more men are taking on for women. Do women genuinely seek gender equality in the bedroom, even if it means learning to enjoy fellatio?

We have a vital, new opportunity for dialogue about Mars and Venus in the bedroom. We know that men are not great communicators, so Anne is one woman committed to articulating the male viewpoint, as discussion begins to roll on this very important subject. Anne