Note | Racy Images The master of fashion monasticism Karl Lagerfeld unveiled a hotel suite at La Réserve made entirely of chocolate as part of his Magnum ice cream promotion. Only Karl Lagerfeld could desensualize one of the world’s great aphrodisiacs — chocolate. (via BoingBoing, image Jacky Naegelen of Reuters.)

‘Master chocolate maker Patrick Roger employed 1.5 tons of something asparagus-thin Lagerfeld never eats to create the scented spectacle for ice cream brand Magnum, complete with a chocolate carpet and chocolate-book-filled chocolate nightstand,’ writes WWD.

Over a low-calorie lunch — with slivers of pineapple for dessert — journalists lobbed questions about why Lagerfeld takes on an ever-surprising array of projects. “I do what I can relate to and I haven’t done before,” he explained. “I like to do things quickly because I’m easily bored.” So is there anything left for him to do? “I can make a list of what I’ve done, but I cannot make a list of what I have yet to do,” was his retort.

Could we just dispense with the obvious and agree that Karl’s chocolate sculpture of Giabiconi is really hung? Perhaps it’s to amplify the association with the chocolate bar. If you notice they are designed to be parallel models of each other — the chocolate bar and chocolate phallus monument to masculinity.

If you thought eating premium ice cream should be a pleasant experience, think again — unless you are as wicked as I am. First we have the commercial.

Rachel Bilson Getting Yelled At in the Magnum Ice Cream Commercial

Baptiste Giabiconi plays the Kaiser, bossing Rachel Bilson around, hating her hair — poor Rachel is just all wrong shrieks the tyrant director, who can’t bear to lay his eyes on her. Note, Mangnum is not embracing Smart Sensuality women with strong minds and an independent spirit.

Thankfully, Rachel does manage to make peace with her Magnum bar and looks as if she’s really enjoying eating it. I expected Baptiste to rip it out of her hand any minute, yelling ‘fat, fat, fat’ you will be ‘fat’, but it didn’t happen.

To be fair, Lagerfeld doesn’t set standards for women that he doesn’t embrace himself. The no fat mantra applies to himself as well.

Honestly, I can’t imagine why Magnum thinks that American women will be inspired to eat their luxury ice cream, except that perhaps Magnum is ice cream for women who want to be bossed around. We have more than our fair share of submissive women, given our strong patriarchal and religious traditions in America.

Everywhere I turn today, men are screaming at women — from the halls of Congress in the Republican War on Women, even Florida — a state that wants to jail women for 15 years with the stipulation of ‘hard labor’ for having a legal abortion, and now in a Magnum ice cream commercial.

No Misbehavin’ in the Magnum Hotel Suite

Would imperious men please stop screaming at us? Is that too much to ask, especially when you want us to buy your damn ice cream? Magnum isn’t done with us yet; today we are supposed to be inspired by this hotel suite made of chocolate.

When I think chocolate, my mind isn’t nearly this orderly. This is a gourmet ice cream, hotel-suite straight jacket.

All Heidi Klum images by Rankin for his book Heidilicious.

Chocolate is emotional, not intellectual. Chocolate should be licked and savoured in a sensual exploration of pleasure. Chocolate is made into body paint or fed in spoonfuls to one’s lover.

There’s not a curve in this cold, calculating bedroom. Perhaps it is a BDSM den, and the pleasure is about punishment, based on the video. Do you seriously believe that there is any lust associated with eating Magnum ice cream? Not in this hotel suite.

Magnum would have made a better decision to call up Rankin and Heidi Klum for their commercials.

Heidi’s approach to chocolate is more voluptuous with a strong dose of sex appeal. Fashion monasticism has no place for unbridled pleasure in bedrooms, at least not in the Magnum hotel suite. Heidi’s a younger version of the 90s Supermodel women — when size 4-6 curves and breasts were savoured, not critiqued as a lack of self restraint and bad mammary genes.

As Vogue UK wrote in February 2009:

AS one of the highest paid supermodels in the world, and a happily married mother of three, we doubt Heidi Klum will lose much sleep over criticisms today that she is to “heavy” to be a runway model.

On the day the new series of Germany’s Next Top Model launches in her homeland, with her at the helm for the third time, fellow German fashionistas have been quoted doubting her prowess on the catwalk. Former magazine editor, turned designer, Wolfgang Joop - best know for his range of JOOP! perfumes and his Wunderkind label - claimed she is better suited to mainstream work.

“No way,” Joop told German News website BILD.COM. “She is no runway model. Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde - that is commercial.”

Other commenters have waded in to the debate citing Klum “too short” and too “voluptuous” for high-fashion work. Fellow German fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld recently remarked: “I don’t know Heidi Klum. She was never known in France. Claudia Schiffer also doesn’t know who she is.”

Despite this barrage of abuse, Klum remains one of the most sought-after models in the world.

Given that Claudia and Heidi both worked at Victoria’s Secret in 1997, I’m so surprised that Claudia doesn’t know her.

Claudia Schiffer at Victoria’s Secret

Here is Claudia Schiffer in a Victoria’s Secret commercial that was too hot for primetime and was dropped.These were the years when I got my hands slapped trying to wind ribbons that trailed to the floor in our VS Valentine’s Day windows.

This is how American women like to eat our chocolate, when men leave us alone. All Claudia needs is a Magnum bar in her mouth to marry Magnum ice cream with pleasure and a bit of naughty lust. Clearly, Magnum women don’t have sex.

Persuade a woman to will take Magnum to bed with her, and you can’t forge a more intimate sensual relationship, one that lasts forever.